youseemnormal

Prioritizing mental health and wellbeing above all else—namely, above one’s career—is what I preach. In reality, when putting my priority into practice, things became much more complicated.

I wish I could say following my convictions, especially those I talk about online, is my default and something I have no problem doing. But this, I learned, was not the case.

I most recently worked in a textbook hostile and toxic work environment for over two years that affected my life at work and outside of work. It affected my mental health and healing, my nights and weekends and, most importantly, my relationships with those closest to me.

Ultimately I realized I was the only person who could make the decision of quitting my job. This meant overcoming—as cheesy as this sounds—myself, or rather the critical part of myself known as my brain or that voice inside my head. That voice inside my head took a lot of convincing even though I absolutely 100% knew that submitting my notice, even without another job lined up, was the right move for me.

For over 12 months, the voice in my head remained the loudest, largest and stickiest hurdle because, I think, I’ve believed that voice too many times before. The voice of worry and anxiety, gaslighting and self-criticism? She’s kind of who I spend all of my time with.

So, this is the story of how I overcame the voice in my head and all of her objections, and how I finally made the decision to quit my job to save my mental health.

This article is for anyone debating (probably against themselves) leaving a job for their mental health.

The Objections

But you’ve got it so good.

Having it good had me trapped in the biggest catch-22. I need therapy and I get health care through my employer. But my employment exacerbates probably 90% of my mental health problems.

So I’m left with the choice of continuing the thing that requires me to need intensive therapy in the first place, or leaving the place of employment and potentially not needing the therapy on the same scale. But, of course, new stressors will likely arise without a consistent income. But there would be stressors no matter what.

This is a manufactured choice and a trap by employers. It’s a good strategy, I admit, because the answer for many people is to keep the job, the salary and insurance and stay miserable.

My “you’ve got it so good” came from this:

I was making nearly six figures annually by 25 years old. I had pretty outstanding benefits, including health insurance with 100% employer-paid premiums and a 401k retirement plan with an unheard-of percent match. I lived close to work, I went home for lunch and I almost never worked outside the hours of 9 and 5.

On paper, it really does sound like the best gig ever.

That was the problem.

In the short term, these things kept me wrapped in the employer’s tentacles. It’s like a toxic relationship. Everyone around you can see what’s going on, but you can’t see it—or you see it and choose to ignore it.

Or you see it and try to ignore it but it continues nagging at you day after day until the toxicity and harm objectively and obviously outweigh the benefits.

Over time I began to loosen the tentacles, and in the long term, I realized all of the “benefits” could never, ever be worth my actual life.

The unraveling took me over 12 months. For others, I suspect, it takes longer. For others still, they’re forever wrapped up snuggly and tight.

You’re being impulsive, reckless and irresponsible. What are people going to think?

Quitting my job for my mental health would be reckless. It would be irrational. Illogical. Impulsive… Crazy!

Quitting my job with no alternative lined up would mean no income, no health insurance, no 401k and no stability. It would mean trading one stress for another and it would increase barriers to receiving mental health care.

The pressure to have a job lined up before resigning, the stigma around being unemployed and talk about the shameful “resume gaps” lived in my head rent free.

What will I tell people when they ask where I’m going next? What do I cite as my reason for leaving… to my coworkers, friends, family and future interviewers? And if I’m transparent and say mental health, how can I make them believe me? That it was “that bad”? Bad enough to give up all of this?

It began to sound to me as if this objection—irresponsibility and recklessness— might actually be coming from others, not me.

You’re a failure if you can’t stick this out./You should be able to handle this (Normal people would be able to handle this.)/You’re overreacting.

This is ridiculous. Seriously. You can survive another 10 minutes, another 10 days, another 10 weeks at this place while searching for your next job. It’s not that bad. You’re overreacting. You’ve got it so good! You’re taking this for granted. What’s wrong with you? You just need to try harder.

Sure, things were bad (objectively terrible) at my job, but I thought I’d be able to “therapy” my way out of them. I thought if I just worked hard enough to “use my skills” and “take better care of myself” and “set boundaries” and “meditate more” (or at all), I’d be able to get through this. I should be able to manage this! I should be able to endure anything!

After all, I’ve spent so much money on therapy and medication and hundreds of hours “doing the work.” Guess therapy isn’t working, or more likely, I thought, I’m not trying hard enough.

So leaving, I believed, would be failing. Failing at managing the very thing I talk about on the internet.

You’re running from your problems… like always.

Stop running from your problems. You’re going to have problems everywhere you go. You’re going to have to work with difficult people. That’s just life.

Because of a past job, my brain created a pattern and a generalization that said that after a year or two of a job, I start to have problems and then I run away to avoid them.

One day I started going through old notebooks, digital notes and even replaying clips from past YouTube videos. I read through all the ways I tried to overcome problems at work. I reviewed past upsets, past conversations asking higher-ups for help, past examples of my practiced flexibility.

The evidence dated back to 12 months before. Then 9 months, then 7, and on and on.

The fact was I wasn’t running from my problems. Because if I were, I would’ve left way sooner. The fact is I tried. Probably for longer than I should’ve.

You’re a hypocrite.

As a mental health advocate and someone who talks about mental health and illness online, I preach the importance of prioritizing mental health and wellbeing, whenever a person is able to do so.

But here I was, not doing the one thing I knew to be true and right. Every day I was still employed, and every post-episode period when I swore I would get serious about the job hunt but didn’t, I felt guilty all over again knowing that the thing I claim to value is once again outweighed by being on a health plan and making more money than I actually need.

I struggled too with my privilege. The fact that I had a cushy job but that I still couldn’t withstand it. On the other hand, I struggled with the fact that I was financially able to leave the job but I still wasn’t doing it.

Outside looking in, if my loved one had the means to stop working, and they needed or wanted to stop working, I’d be the first to support them. I’d go in and resign for them! Why couldn’t I do the same for myself?

How I finally did it

This last time, the voice in my head was back on her bullshit even louder than before.

As she was spewing her criticisms at me, I realized that this time I wasn’t angry anymore. This was a good sign because for me, anger equals impulsivity, and impulsivity often equals negative consequences and hurt.

I reached my decision to quit in a state of complete emotional exhaustion and defeat, yes, but also in wise mind.

While some people may have a much quieter voice in their heads and can therefore just go with their gut instead, my brain and my gut are often at odds. See: my increasingly critical brain vs. the knowing in my gut. Evidence was my attempt at getting the two on the same page.

I gathered the facts and evidence disputing every one of my objections. I had a response to every critical thought. After all, my thoughts are just thoughts, and thoughts aren’t always true. (Just because I tell myself I’m a bad person doesn’t mean I’m a bad person. Just because I tell myself I will be the next Taylor Swift doesn’t mean I will be).

Here were the facts.

These are written in present tense as if I’m back in the moment making my decision:

• The fact is only I can make this call— with myself and for myself.
• The fact is I create my own life and choose to live according to my values. The fact is I value being a good human, daughter, friend, partner and neighbor. The fact is I can’t be these things and keep this job. The fact is I can’t keep doing this to my loved ones or to myself.
• The fact is my current reality and financial situation are able to accommodate a gap in employment.
• The fact is I’ve asked for specific help at work numerous times from numerous people to no avail. The fact is I want to kill myself on a semi-monthly basis. The fact is it’s not worth it.
• The fact is I’ve watched my past YouTube videos and reread my morning pages from the last year. My work problems are a prevailing theme. I’ve talked to my loved ones who’ve seen me go through this.
• The fact is I haven’t been listening to myself but I am now.
• The fact is I would rather have my only remaining solution be leaving my job than continued suffering. (By the way, you shouldn’t have to want to die in order to rationalize leaving your job… But alas, that’s often the decision point.)

These facts led me to peace and clarity:

I have to leave my job. I’m going to leave my job. I’m putting in my two weeks.

What now

It hasn’t been all bliss, rainbows and celebration since that night. (But I have celebrated this accomplishment and life transition!) The evening after submitting my notice I had a bit of a panic moment.

The best thing I did for myself was to get out of my own head and have a lovely dinner on an Atwood patio with my best friend… not become a robot whose only activity is applying for jobs.

Walking back from dinner with them, I realized that whenever I’m beating myself up over my decision or scolding myself for stepping away from Indeed for a night, I’m creating exactly the same feelings I’m trying to get away from. So if I continued to work myself into a tizzy, shame myself or let the anxiety barrel through the gates with no resistance, I would have left for nothing.

If I wanted those feelings, I might as well have stayed.

That’s what I remind myself in this interim period as I find the balance between time spent job hunting and time spent enjoying this small amount of freedom to schedule (or not schedule) my days as I please.

I won the battle with my own brain this time. How can we work together to create a world in which others who are tangled in even tighter tentacles and living tougher lives can win theirs?